I think I would feel better if I could lose weight.
I need a diet plan that involves Japanese Curry 3 nights a week. Rice. That sort of thing.
I’ve had a hard time breathing and my chest always feels like it’s in a vice. It feels exhausting to breathe. Sometimes this becomes very scary. I have an inhaler but possibly because it’s old it doesn’t really do much. I get dizzy. I feel like I’m going to pass out. I have trouble speaking + breathing at the same time, so I stay quiet.
It has been very very difficult. It’s an embarrassing situation. When you’re ill and it’s not visible people bemoan — “ack! Nobody even knows what I deal with, it’s an invisible issue! People around me do not understand!” But, when you frankly look like you’re ill as fuck and on deaths door, it uh’ it’s not BETTER. People avoid you and whisper….”omg, what’s happening there?” You can’t participate in life anymore, you become a ghost.
This is they way life works. I suppose one could say — “oh others need to stop mid-stream and ‘be aware!'” But this is not mentally healthy or good for the young. They should focus on their lives and dreaming and enjoying sunshine and doing other things then keeping the company of ghosts.
I can’t feel sorry for myself, because I don’t really have the vitality left to do so — I hope something changes. I hope for a miracle I suppose you could say. I hope to adopt better lifestyle habits, but whenever I change things I seem to become worse and not better.
What would I tell a doctor anyway? Everything hurts, I can’t breathe. They would say, nothing hurts. You can breathe. Here is a couple of prescriptions for psychoactive medications. Here is a bill that will hurt your family.
We’ve had an unusual amount of rain here this spring. It is raining here again today. This is the wettest spring I recall in the PNW.
The mother deer is lame in her right foot. The other deer will attempt to attack her and kill the baby. This is how deer are. She comes up and I give her a few slices of apple core, maybe some bread. I am rooting for her in my head – I hope you get better girl. I hope you have some fight in the tank.
The baby deer is feisty and spirited. It’s going to grow into a competent buck if he survives this first year.
Because she lives in a protected park with retired loving humans who are probably providing her corn or deer suitable kibble, she has a pretty good chance of recovery or surviving on 3 legs, which in the howling wilderness would be impossible.
This is how it is for me as well living in the park. I wouldn’t survive long outside of it.
Last year was difficult for the deer. It was a bad year for their young and survival. I hope it goes better this year.
I’m cooking Japanese Curry. It is easy and uncomplicated. It’s very delicious. I have cabbage, carrot, celery, ginger, and a lot of mushrooms in today’s curry. I just put in whatever vegetables I have on hand. I freeze little packets of stewing beef to add in. I can sit down and let it boil and cook itself.
日本のカレー Nihon no Karee
